By Dan Cheek
KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK!
James Green opens his front door and finds his neighbor, Sam, standing there. Sam looks like he just got hit by a bus. One of his eyes is swollen shut, there’s blood oozing from his left ear, his clothes are torn and splotched with blood.
“Hey, Sam. What’s up?” Not that he really wants to know. In truth, Sam kind of scares Mr. Green. Sam doesn’t come out of his house much, he’s kind of pale and always has dark bags under his eyes, like he doesn’t sleep or something. At all hours of the day and night, horrible screaming, banging, and explosions can be heard coming from his house. One time, Sam’s front lawn was on fire for three days.
“Well, James, I was wondering if you had a minute to talk about your pet sheep?” Sam’s voice is hoarse. It sounds as if someone both punched him in the gut and kicked him in his nuts.
“Sure, buddy,” Green says in a fake-friendly voice, “What can I do for ya’?” Mr. Green looks over Sam’s shoulder at his pet sheep, Julius, who’s standing calmly in his front yard. Such a good sheep, Mr. Green thinks to himself.
“Um, I’m not sure how to say this,” Sam says slowly. “Would you mind if I’m blunt?”
Mr. Green shrugs and smiles.
“Okay,” Sam begins, “Jim, your sheep attacked me again and this time I’m pretty sure he was trying to kill me. I think you might want to consider tying him up. Or taking him out back and shooting him. Or letting me shoot him. Whichever.”
James Green give his best “aw shucks” grins and rubs the back of his neck with his hand. “Sam,” he says, “When did Julius attack you?”
“Oh, just now,” Sam says in a conversational tone, “I was walking back from the store and he came running at me, tackled me, and then began biting and kicking. At one point he was dragging me around by my testicals. If you look closely, you can see a bloody smear there on the road.”
“Testacies,” Mr. Green says.
“Um…what,” Sam asks confused.
“The plural for testical is testacies. Common mistake, actually.” Mr. Green then flashes a smile.
“Jim, about your sheep. I think you need to kill it. And then maybe burn it. Please, Jim….your sheep is evil.”
Jim Green raises his eyebrows. “Sam, really,” he says in a chiding voice, “I don’t think Julius is evil. Playful, certainly, but not evil. I mean, look at him.” Mr. Green points to the sheep. Sam has to pivot his whole body to look in the direction that Jim is pointing. His neck no longer has the ability to move his head.
Sam lets out a noise that is a combination gasp and sigh. Two small children are petting Julius. Julius the sheep stands there, sucking up the affection and chewing some grass. Sam stares at the sheep for a minute and then pivots back around to look at Jim.
“So you see, Sam,” Green says in a comforting voice, “Julius isn’t evil. Or mean. He’s as gentle, as, well, a sheep. Maybe you confused a rabid dog with Julius?”
Sam considers that for a moment. After careful consideration, Sam looks up at Jim and says, “No, Jim, I’m pretty sure it was Julius. Please let me shoot him. I don’t have a gun, but I’ve been saving my money and I could buy one. Today, I mean. I could buy the gun and shoot him today.”
“I’m gonna have to pass up on that offer, buddy,” Green says in a chummy voice. “Julius is a Latino Party Sheep. Very expensive. And besides, he’s like part of the family. Shooting him sounds a bit…extreme. I’ll keep an eye on him and if he looks like he might be getting wild, I’ll tie him out back.”
“Okay, Jim,” Sam says in a heartbroken voice, “I’m about to pass out, probably from the head trauma and blood loss, so I’m gonna go lay down. Maybe I’ll die from internal injuries or something. See ya’ later, Jim.”
Sam staggers off Jim Green’s porch and shuffles to his house. Sam knows that the Puppets will be waiting for him and that they’ve probably done something unspeakable while he was away, but he doesn’t want to think about that right now.
As he makes his way toward his front door, one of the children who was petting the sheep calls out to him. “Hey, mister,” the kid yells, “I found one of your teeth! Look!” Sam turns and sees the little girl proudly holding the tooth.
Sam smiles at the child. The effort of making the facial expression causes him to go blind in his one good eye. “You go ahead and keep it.” Sam then turns, opens his door, and walks inside his house. The sound of the door slamming shut muffles the sound of Sam collapsing on the floor.
End
Tags: evil sheep, latino party sheep, sam